Michael Collison joined the 2024 Retreat from Afar, committing to three months of study and daliy practice of the Buddhist ngondro (preliminary practice) of going for refuge in the Three Jewels of Buddha, Dharma, Sangha, and to the ultimate Guru. The practice includes meditating on the qualities of the Three Jewels and 111,111 recitations of the phrase, “Namo Gurubya, Namo Buddhya, Namo Dharmaya, Nama Sanghaya”
Eight months in, Michael is still reflecting deeply on the refuge practice. He shares his Dharma insights thus far.
Eight months of refuge
At the start of 2024, in line with the Abbey’s Retreat from Afar, I started a refuge practice. One month in, I committed myself to a full year of the practice, deciding to spend three months each on Guru, Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha.
The decision was informed by conversations regarding the previous year’s three-month retreat about not rushing through each of the topics, as well as an interest in proving to myself that I was capable of keeping the same practice going for a full year.
Going into the practice I realized quickly that my existing refuge was very lopsided —an outsized confidence in the Dharma was balanced with a disregard for the Buddha and Sangha, and a severe aversion to anything related to the Guru.
Mysteries of the universe
Before meeting the Dharma for the first time, I had a personal, very secret project to uncover the mysteries of the universe. After years of effort, I had a number of ideas, some of which were crude approximations of Buddhist ideas. Because of this, my first meeting with the Dharma was not an exclusively joyful experience. I like to describe it like an explorer who had been pushing forward in a forest alone for years stumbling upon a well-traveled highway heading towards the same destination.
The joy of finding such a skillful path was tempered by a bruised ego. “It should have been me! This was mine to figure out!” It came when I bought an introductory book on a whim, and before even finishing the introduction I knew. “This is what I’ve been looking for, I recognize it clearly, and with this burst of strong conviction I feel towards it, I will be able to practice for years without my motivation waning.”
I now think of these qualities as a care package from previous lives of practice.
With such a strong initial motivation for practice, and learning almost entirely through books without contact with other practitioners for the first several years, I had little cause to spare much of a thought to the Buddha, let alone the Sangha, who I had essentially no awareness of at that time.
Namo Buddhaya
Soon after I started this refuge practice, I realized, after around seven years of practice, that while purification and reflecting on the qualities of the Buddha were important, I should probably start by introducing myself.
Purification and learning more about the qualities of the Buddha went a long way in making me feel more comfortable visualizing and seeing myself in the presence of the Buddha. I found, however, that I still had some pride and arrogance related to the thinking I had done prior to meeting the Dharma. I thought, “It may not be on the same level as this well-realized path, but I was on the right track. Look at how smart I am for figuring it out myself!”
As I investigated this line of thinking, I came to realize that whatever inclination I had that had led me to Dharma-like thoughts was not the result of my own superiority, but rather the influence of hearing and following the Buddha’s teachings in previous lives. Those thoughts and ideas are not mine to claim. The Buddha is the origin of my knowledge and practice, and with gratitude I go for refuge.
Namo Buddhaya.
Nama Sanghaya
As I approached the three-month mark and started thinking about what would come next, I decided to go on to the Sangha because I felt that much of what I had practiced in relation to the Buddha would also apply. Like a child with a loose tooth, I knew it was ready to move and I would be unable to truly focus on anything else.
Even after learning more about the various members of the Sangha (arya bodhisattvas, arhats, etc.) and introducing myself once again, purifying, and so on, I still felt some resistance towards them.
Eventually I asked myself, “You have been relying on Shantideva’s text Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life for several years now. You have heard over 100 hours of teachings on it, and have benefited immensely from doing so. There is no doubt about this. Do you actually have a problem with Shantideva, or do you just think you do?”
It turns out that that part of my mind was a bit out of touch with the rest.
I also struggled with a residual lone-wolf tendency and competitiveness from my pre-Dharma times. The Arya Sangha could be thought of as the leaders of a task force for the liberation of all sentient beings. Leading all sentient beings to full awakening is, arguably, the largest task in all of existence. I thought, “You want to do it alone, out of spite and jealousy? I’m sure that will turn out well.”
“Fine. But surely,” Self-centered thought replied, “I wouldn’t lose out when compared against them!”
“…There is not a single member of the Arya Sangha with a single good quality less developed than yours. There is not a single member of the Arya Sangha with a single affliction more severe. The difference between you and them is so vast there can be no comparison. If they are leaders, you are not even an intern, let alone an employee. You are the rarest of contributors.”
Without the tireless efforts of the Sangha to preserve and teach the Dharma I could not be where I am today. Without the Sangha I would be bereft of spiritual teachers and friends.
Without the Sangha, what path would remain? It is impossible to walk alone.
Nama Sanghaya.
Namo Dharmaya
At six months, when I moved on, I found myself a bit aimless. I was unsure of how to proceed as my refuge in the Dharma remained very strong.
A line in the refuge and precepts ceremony for lay practitioners caught my attention: “The Buddha’s first advice, the first medicine to take to soothe my ills, is to train myself in the five precepts.” Reviewing my ethical conduct then led to reflection on the ten non-virtues, notably the last one, wrong view.
I had two remaining Dharma topics that I had set aside for later review: karma and everything related to a spiritual teacher. Knowing that I would be addressing the latter soon enough, I spent several weeks rereading and reflecting on karma and its results.
Faith in karma
Having come from a scientific background, the gold standard for accepting something comes from proving its truthfulness. When it comes to karma, this is not something I am currently capable of. I have no personal experiences that I can unequivocally attribute to it, nor do I have sufficient confidence in my logical abilities at the moment.
Although there is a strong current in Buddhism against accepting things on faith, I decided that the best thing I could do would be to accept it now on the current confidence I have in the other teachings and in the Triple Gem. I would evaluate karma, not on its truthfulness, but rather by the effects that adopting it would have on my practice.
I noticed an immediate firming up of my precepts, a change of view which made focusing on future lives much easier, and a clarity around death and the preparations I would need to make to continue on the path.
There are still some aspects of karma that I cannot grasp at all, and I struggle even to formulate questions to address my confusion. However, this does not prevent me from taking what I do understand, and holding off on adopting the correct view on account of these holdouts would only harm my practice.
There are many texts which offer beautiful praise to the Triple Gem, and the preciousness of the Dharma cannot be overstated. Even if all of existence was mine to offer, it would not be enough for the gift I have been given.
May I become a Buddha for the benefit of sentient beings, and perhaps then it will be enough.
Namo Dharmaya.
Namo Gurubhya
I have some time left with the Dharma before I move on to reflecting on the Guru. But I expect that the groundwork I’ve laid with Buddha and Sangha have prepared me to work through meditation on the Guru, and likely it will go much the same.
I would like to thank Venerable Chodron, the monastics at Sravasti Abbey, and the lay community there for the teachings, support, and conducive conditions for working with my mind. Although it has been a short three years since we first met, my growth and the changes in my mind are undeniable.
More to come.
Namo Gurubhya.